Being an introvert and having to deal with such a public grief is a challenge.  I need to be with "my people"--the ones who get me and can comfort me and laugh with me when I make a morbid joke.  But it is hard.  

This level of grief is so complicated and hard.  It is hard just to get out of my jammies.  It is hard to call anyone to make plans.  It is hard to get motivated.  It is even harder as I've gained 30 pounds.    It is hard that my shrink only works 2 days a week and my last app't. was canceled because she was sick.  So, I have to wait 20 more days.

It is hard to get on the phone and check if ANYONE has male beds that would be acceptable for John and not too far away.  It is hard because I am disconnecting.  From mom, John, family in general.  I cannot be around people who drain me, when I have nothing in me to drain.  

It is hard to "look normal" due to meds, but feel like my insides and all that go with them are withering away.  I REALLY don't think I can survive this for a year.  5 months has been hell.  And it takes so much energy.  I just don't see how my being here helps anyone.  I'm bitter and no fun unless I'm drinking.  

I will not die until E's killer is in jail. That is my reason for living.  And then I will find a young mother who needs a kidney transplant and donate my kidney, so she can raise her children.  That will be my legacy.

I have "THINGS" that I thought I would pass down to Ethan.  What do I do with them now?  I think the pictures I will give to my cousins down south and maybe some to my one nephew, since he is the only surviving, procreating grandchild of Dad.  For mom's side I would give them to her only niece.  I might sell the piano, as it doesn't get tuned or played.    

My biggest sadness over the past 3 years (besides Ethan) is my oldest sister.  I miss who I thought she was and finding out that she is not that person and has no interest in me being in her life cuts to my core.  I've been grieving her for so long and for her to come to Ethan's funeral and NOT try to make amends just added another layer of grief over it all.  The only person I have any communication with on that side of the family is the mother of my sisters grandchildren.    

I obsess with "WHY?"    I am so amazed that our husbands haven't tried to step in and fix this.  So it must be benefitting them in some way.  I'm amazed none of my friends tried at the funeral.  "It wasn't the time".   Well, there is no better time than when we were all 3 in the same state.  

I am so ready to die.  So ready.  Just waiting for E's killer to be sent to jail.